More Random Advice for Medical Students
1. Don’t lick your fingers after a digital rectal exam…and for pete’s sake don’t linger. There’s not that much up there that you can’t feel in three minutes.
2. Brain: It only looks tasty.
3. Yell at the nurses. Tell them that when you’re an intern, there will be hell to pay if you don’t get some respect like right now.
4. Even though you feel bad about turning on a patient’s light at five AM, examining a patient in the dark is technically considered “groping.”
5. Sometimes you have to splint the speculum. You’ll know when it’s time.
6. Childbirth is only a beautiful experience if you enjoy watching fat ladies passing stool. Sorry.
7. When you’re milking the prostate of a prisoner, his shoulder is not a good place to put your free hand.
8. Give a man a couple of narcotic pain pills, he’ll get high for a day. Teach him to write his own prescriptions on stolen prescription pads and he’ll get high for a lifetime.
9. Both the foot and the penis have dorsal veins. Know how to differentiate them.
10. The days when nurses looked like porn stars are long gone. Deal with it.
11. Your disdain for a good salary which peaks as you interview for medical school will decline to the point where by the middle of third year you will swear that if there wasn’t the big bucks at the end of the tunnel you’d quit and go to law school.